Comedy Roast of Harry Potter
by Major Dover111
Summary: Sick of all the other boring stories? Take a minute to glance at some of the funniest coversations roasting the Harry Potter franchise. *Humor is reccommended
1. Dumbledore and Death Eaters

_**Authors Note:**_ Hi guys! If you don't me I'm Major Dover. I'm a humor author who writes stories that make you wet yourself.  
>If your not familiar with Comedy Roast of The Twilight Saga...then get your fine ass over there and read it!<p>

Why do I bring this up? Well Comedy Roast of The Twilight Saga is three friends talking about Twilight and bashing it. It drives those pesky fangirlsup the wall. Buuutttt We also plan to do one for Harry Potter. Now don't get your wands in a knot, we love Harry Potter, we kinda hate Twilight...but it's healthy to poke fun sometimes. So this is just for fun. Don't get a wedgie.

So enjoy my wandswishers.

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_**Major Dover ft. Cordial Craig and Voxy**_

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**Major Dover:** _Ever think Dumbledore does crack?_

**Voxy:** Ha, totally, he hides in his office and starts snorting it like pixie sticks.

**Major Dover:** He gets high and goes to a wizard dance club...doing fucking epic dance moves.

**Voxy:** He's all like "Ahhhhhh, the club can't even handle me right now!"

**Cordial Craig:** Does some swish and flickerig with his wand, making all dem hoes grind up on him.

**Voxy:** He braids his beard, puts glitter in it and shit. Puts on some gold robes and rocks that shit out.

**Major Dover:** "Fuck yeah, this is some good tunes right here"

**Voxy:** Dumbledore is one sexy bitch. Hoisting up his robes and starts doing the cupid shuffle.

**Cordial Craig:** He starts seeing like unicorns and shit, on an acid trip

**Voxy:** He waves some glow sticks around griding up some witches...hell yeah

**Cordial Craig:** "I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH!"

**Voxy:** He would whip that shit around, especially with that beard.

**Major Dover:** He gets back in the wee hours of the morning, totally shitfaced.

**Voxy:** Minerva comes in all concerned "Oh my Albus, did you get into a fight...did someone attack you?"

**Cordial Craig:** He's so wasted he just undresses right there and passes out at her feet.

**Voxy:** All day he is just so tired and hungover he just screams at kids "SHUT THE HELL UP!"

**Major Dover:** "DO YOU NOT SEE I AM HUNGOVER? YOUR FACES ARE ANNOYING ME, GO TRY AND STUN EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING"

**Voxy:** At dinner, he just puts his wizard hat over his face and lays on the table.

**Major Dover:** "Fuck this shit, I'm going to bed"

**Cordial Craig:** Snape gets all pissy because Dumbledores feet landed in his egg salad.

**Major Dover:** "Uhh...excuse me Professor Dumbledore, but I do not care for your wrinkly old feet in my delicious egg salad"

**Voxy:** Dumbledore just gives him the bird and starts to snore loudly.

**Cordial Craig:** Snape gets up knocking his chair over and walks out like a bitch.

**Major dover:** You know Snape is the ulitmate emo. Writing in his diary in a dark room and shit

**Voxy:** Only the spiders keep him company.

**Major Dover:** Yea he cries every night, "Dear Diary, today the Weasley said my dress robes were out of style...I cried"

**Voxy:** Yea he probably calls the Ron the ginger or the orange one...haha code names.

**Major Dover:** Snape finds Voldemort to be a prissy bitch. Everytime he comes walking in Snape does a eye roll.

**Cordial Craig:** "Pssh he thinks he is soooo awesome, just because he is bald and has no nose..."

**Voxy:** Voldemort probbly is a prissy bitch, coming in. cloak billowing behind him. He sits down all lady like, puts a napkin on his lap.

**Major Dover:** Yea he starts the death eaters meeting like "Ok, so today someone, I wont say who...wrote a very insulting thing on my door and it deeply hurt me"

**Voxy:** He then goes off on a long tagent about how hurtful teasing is and that he is issuing a sexual harrassment meeting because he thinks there has bee some inapprioate touching going on.

**Cordial Craig:** Haha yea like "I'm making this sexual harrassment meeting mandatory for everyone...except for you Wormtail...no one would ever sexually touch you"

**Major dover:** Lucius Malfoy is smiling like a pedophile at Wormtail...

**Voxy:** Ohhh...you know he has a secret..something completely weird that Voldemort doesnt even know about

**Major Dover:** He probably likes to dress up in ladies clothes...because it makes him feel pretty

**Cordial Craig:** He comes into the next death eaters meeting in a lovely dress, Voldemorts lookes at him like 0.o

**Voxy:** "Lucius, what is this...I don't even..."

**Cordial Craig:** "My lord, tis it not a beautiful garment? Does it not go lovely with my blonde hair?"

**Major Dover:** Lucius probably has an obbession with his lucious blonde hair

**Voxy:** In the middle of a death eaters meeting he silently takes out a brush out and starts to brush his hair

**Major Dover:** It pisses Voldemort off to no end like "LUCIUS DAMMIT I SAID NO BRUSHING YOUR HAIR DURING MEETINGS!"

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You know you laughed.

Look for our next part soon

Cia


	2. Gingers and HarryFuckingPotter

Authors Note: Yay! Our lame asses got some reviews! High Five!

Now, for the next part.

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**Voxy:** Harry Potter is so epic

**Major Dover:** That's because he's Harry. Fucking .Potter

**Voxy:** He's got witches drooling over him, we all know ginger kid is jealous

**Cordial Craig:** No one likes him cause he is a ginger. Dementors wont even give him a kiss

**Voxy:** Ha, Harry probably struts around the school with swagger like "That's right, ladies, you play your cards right you can see my Elder Wand"

**Major Dover:** Harry goes around singing "I'm Harry Potter,I'm so cool, I'm so awesome, I'm the king of the school, I got witches in the class and witches in the halls, Professor Snape has no balls"

**Voxy:** He just doesn't give a single fuck

**Cordial Craig:** Even Voldemort is like "Dayyumm that kid got swag"

**Major Dover:** That little pisser could any girl he wants and he picks a ginger

**Voxy:** Ha I can imagine Harry going up to Ginny and saying "Nice hair...does the carpet match the drapes"

**Major Dover:** They had became instant soulmates after she answered "Yes"

**Cordial Craig:** Voldemorts probably gets pissed each time Harry defeats him.

**Voxy:** Yea like "How the fuck did that little warblet defeat me at a year old? He couldnt even wipe his own ass!"

**Major Dover:** That's probably why voldemort has no nose, he got so pissed off at Harry beating him, he just ripped that fucker off in a fit of RRAAGGEEE!

**Cordial Craig:** He probably kicked that snake around too, just to release some heat

**Voxy:** Nagini? I thought that fucker was killed off by in Anaconda

**Major Dover:** Yea, thought Cedric died too...

**Voxy:** BAHA now he sparkles like a prissy diamond

**Cordial Craig:** Voldemorts purest act of evil..

**Voxy:** What about Hagrid? He kinda looks like Ke$ha

**Major Dover:** Hagrid is a beast, he fucking eats rocks for breakfast, and hatches fucking dragons. Fucking DRAGONS!

**Voxy:** He should have just body slammed Voldemort and saved us 4 books

**Major Dover:** Ha, yea he'd be like "LLEERRRROOOYYY JJEENNKKIIINNSSS!"

**Voxy:** What about the major twat Umbridge? She reminds of my cat lady upstairs

**Cordial Craig:** She was a lunatic, I could see her just doing random evil shit around Hogwarts, like giving kids wedgies or something

**Voxy:** Or changing ones pee pee to a ...well you know.

**Major Dover:** Dumbledore should have kicked her right in her balls, just a good *smack*

**Voxy:** Fuck If I was Harry I would have beat her with a stick if she got near me.

**Cordial Craig:** Haha, I bet Harry did chase her around Hogwarts with a giant stick or something

**Major Dover:** You know snape hated her too, just loathed her.

**Voxy:** Yea he would sit next to her at dinner ad when she wasnt looking he would spit in her drink

**Major Dover:** Then he would have a stupid ass smirk on his face for the rest of the night

**Cordial Craig:** WAIT! ..Is Snape still a virgin?

**Major Dover:**...

**Voxy:**...

***4 minutes later***

**Voxy:** Fuck no, that guy probably gets girls all the time

**Major Dover:** He writes them love poems and shit

**Voxy:** Fred and George find them and read them to the class

**Major Dover:** In which Snape finds out and cries in his dungeon room

**Voxy:** Snape sobs "BAWWWW THOSE WERE PERSONAL! PERSONAL LOVE NOTES, I HATE THOSE ORANGE ONES...AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING TELL THEM APART AAAAHH!

**Voldemort:** Stop yo bitchin Snape.

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Reviews are greatly appreciated!  
>More to come my little goblins<p> 


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